No Happily Ever After

The Cycle of Love

Question:  “ I am no longer in love with my husband.  I mean I love him but I am not in love with him anymore.  I starting to think we should get a divorce. What should I do?”

Answer:  Thanks for sending me this question.  I hear this often from many couples, stating they love their spouse but are not “in love” with them anymore.  It is a very common dilemma.  This is why it is important that you think carefully before making any hasty emotional decisions.

There are differences between being “in-love” and loving someone.  I like to think of being “in-love” as love under the influence.  It is the honeymoon stage of love.  It is when you are consumed by your love for someone else.  Actually, during this stage your brain produces different hormones, which are similar to ones if you were on drugs.  It is during this phase that you enchanted by your spouse’s affection, laughter, and sexual energy.  It is also during this time you reduce all the negative traits of your spouse and only pay attention to the traits you like about them.

The being “in-love” stage of love happens to all of us and all us also grow out of this stage.  In fact, research shows love goes through different stages.  The next stage of love is the “power-struggle” phase.  I like to think of this as the reality check stage.  This is when your spouse’s peculiar characteristics begin to show and you start to see him as human.  Not to mention, this is when you may find yourself having many disagreements and trying to find balance in your relationship.

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After going through the “power-struggle” phase of love, you enter the “decision making” stage of love.  This is when you determine if your relationship is worth continuing or if it is time for you to move on.  Now, you may be in this stage or you may be in the “power-struggle” stage of your relationship.  I do not know because you have not provided enough information for me to determine that.  However, the point I want to make to you is during all these stages you can still love your spouse.

Many times we get caught up in the rapture of love.  Envisioning some sort of fairy tale process of love.  Getting married and then living happily ever after is for little girls.  Grown women and men endure, develop and grow because marriages are hard.  In fact, it may be one of the most difficult things you do.  So instead of romanticizing love, think about it in its very basics.  At its very basics, love is having understanding, compassion and forgiveness.  These three qualities not only build love but also sustain love.  Now, this may not sound as exciting as being “in-love” with someone, but it should not be valued as any less.

I actually suggest that you normalize love.  You and your husband are only human, made up of charms, talents, faults and strange idiosyncrasies.  More importantly, nothing is going to be good all the time.  It is through the bad times that you can explore another side of your spouse and add on another dimension to your relationship.  It is through the struggles that your relationship gains character and stamina.

In fact, it is your ability to love and receive love through the good and bad times, which make a lasting relationship.  So, if you are at the fork in the road and you are deciding whether to stay married or get divorced, remember love is not for the weak but only for the strong at heart.  Do not feel dismayed because you are in a different stage of your love. This is not a better or worse stage of love.  It is just different and it is a natural progression of love.

When you love someone it should not because you feel compelled to but it should be a choice.  You should have a healthy respect for who your spouse is as an individual, who you are as an individual, and who you two are together as a couple.  Do not lose yourself in love.  Instead love a person for who they are and appreciate that people as well as relationships change over time.  Be compassionate enough to accept your spouse, for who they are, faults, talents and all.   Be compassionately motivated enough to work towards having a more fulfilling relationship.  Nevertheless, love is like anything else, you cannot give what you do not have.  So before making this decision take a step back and examine at yourself, your spouse and your relationships.

If you need help understanding how to give and receive love, contact Cupid’s Planner.  We specialize in the empowerment and sexual freedom of women. Also do not forget to like us on Facebook and to follow us on Twitter.