Having Kids is Not a Death Sentence for Your Sex Life: 5 Ways to Keep it Hot and Alive
Part 1: The New Mommy's Perspective
Life changes in every way after you become a parent. Nothing about how you lived life beforehand stays the same. One area couples often face the biggest change in is in the act that led them to become parents in the first place! After having a baby, having a hot and steamy sex life fades into a distant memory. As a mommy of one, I know this first hand. My husband and I went through a bit of a drought after we became parents, but figured out how to get the juices flowing again (literally!). Here’s how you can, too.
Don’t Over-think It
It’s easy to get into your head and over think things when the opportunity to make love presents itself. “It’s too late”, “I have to get up early in the morning,” “I’m not the in the mood for this,” or “I feel fat today” are all things that can cross your mind and keep you from giving into the moment. Try not to let that happen! Look at it as a special time that you both will enjoy and benefit from. Sex fosters connectivity in couples, and happy couples make happy parents. So even your kids benefit, too!
I’m sure you’re probably tired of hearing this, but it’s true. You have to incorporate some spontaneity into your sex life in order for it to be something you look forward to doing and want to do more of. Sex should be fun and not a chore. Steal a moment together before the kids wake up. Go for it on the couch in the living room after they are asleep. Give yourself 5-10 minutes to make out like teenagers and hide in the closet if you have to! Whatever you do, don’t allow yourselves to get stuck in a rut waiting for the right time to knock the boots. That time won’t come on its own; you have to make time or just make it happen when the moment strikes!
Talk about it Outside of the Bedroom
The only time you discuss your sex life shouldn’t be right before or after you’ve had sex. If the conversation takes the wrong turn, that could potentially spell disaster and ruin the moment or mood. Additionally, don’t let the only things you talk about be the kids, bills, and other responsibilities.
Try to create an atmosphere between you and your partner that encourages healthy dialogue about sex; what’s working and what isn’t, things you want to try, etc. – outside of the bedroom. Send each other spicy text messages during the day, or bring it up over dinner on date night (you are going on dates, aren’t you?! If not, you should be). This way, when the time comes for you to get in between the sheets, you’ll connect easier and faster because it’s already been on your mind.
Get Kinky With It
Nothing says, “we’re boring parents” like flannel pajamas and the monotony of the same sex position. Behind closed doors, is your time, and place to shed the identity of mom and dad. Allow yourselves to feel like real people again. Let go! Be free and get kinky! Buy some new lingerie. Take a detour after dinner to the adult store in your neighborhood, and/or just be willing to let your imagination take flight when it comes to sex. A willingness to try new things will help keep things interesting and far from boring.
Keep Your Bedroom for Grown Ups
Let your bedroom be your sanctuary that encourages sexy activity. This doesn’t mean don’t ever allow your kids in your bedroom, it simply means that they should not be able to leave their toys and other kiddie things lying around your room. You need a sacred space for you and your partner to connect on a variety of levels, not just sexually, and the bedroom should be that place. It’s hard to do that when kids know that they can do whatever they want for however long they want, in your bedroom.
In summary, having kids is not a death sentence for your marriage. It takes time, effort, and practice, but having a healthy sex life as parents is definitely possible. If you focus only on the kids after they arrive, what will be left of your marriage or relationship after they’re gone? Take advantage of each moment you have with your partner and remember to make them, and your sex life a priority. Your kids will thank you for it later!
A Special Thank You to Our Contributor Ms. Amber Wright.
Amber L. Wright, M.A. is an adjunct professor, writer, and speaker. She is the founder and Chief Conversation Officer of TalktoAmber.com, her blog and website designed to help women learn how to speak from the heart, connect with others and change their lives. Amber’s philosophy is, if you want to be happy – from the boardroom to the bedroom, you have to know how to communicate with clarity and confidence. She’s here to teach you how to do just that!