Sex, there are many people have different ideas and opinions about when to have or not to have sex. These rules instead of liberating women, often times may control women. Today, I am sharing with you one woman’s journey of celibacy and how she is using it to take back her control. Due to the taboo nature of practicing celibacy, our guest writer has chosen to remain anonymous; therefore the purposes of this article we will call here Sarah.
Sarah: This celibacy thing is something that I have been on and off with for the last 4 years. I am a 41-year-old female living and working in the northeast. I am originally from the islands and I always dated island men because I felt we had more in common. The last guy I dated was on an on and off basis for approximately three or four years. He is the last guy I have been intimate with and will probably be the last person I am with. Since we had been down the road so many times before, I kept our latest rekindling episode private.
So, we both accepted invitations to work on a community project and that is when I really got to know him. Except for the sex, things were not going very well for us outside of the bedroom. For example, I felt like he went out of his way to disagree with any and everything that I suggested. He even at one point accused me of conspiring against him with the team lead.
My last straw with him was after a phone call he made, while sitting next to me at the last project meeting before it went live. Two nights before that meeting, he was at my house. He spent the night and we left on good terms. Two days later things were still great, we were finally moving as a team and then he made that call.
The call was to the community hoe. I hate to refer to her as such but it is true and in all honesty I am still harboring some of that anger. As I listened, I realized that the tone of his voice, the phrases, and the giggles in between the phrases sounded very familiar. There were a lot of things that I heard him say that made me and everyone else at the table realize that their relationship was more than friends. I cannot even put into words how I felt at that moment, but it was a combination of anger, embarrassment, resentment, regret, shock, and fear.
I didn’t think, ask questions or wait until later to have a conversation with him. I felt that the timing of the call along with the accusations he lodged against me was done intentionally. As if I was in some kind of trance, I got up from the table, slowly gathered my things, and exited the meeting without saying a word to anyone. I went out to my car, drove home, sent a resignation letter to the person who was heading the project, blocked him from my email and social media accounts and changed my number.
The next day, I went to my doctor and requested a full STD panel. When I got home, I crawled into my bed and cried. Not regular crying either butI bawled. It was the kind of cry you only hear at funerals from mourners, who are hollering to release regret.
I have run into him several times since then. The first two times he tried to approach me. He then tried to have his friend talk to me. I had no interest! I still think it was intentional. The last time I saw him I walked right by him as if he was a stranger, which at this point he is.
1. How long have you been celibate?
This time I’ve been celibate for 4 months.
2. What were your sexual experience like before you went celibate? Was sex something you enjoyed?
I enjoyed the act of sex. I liked the power that I felt when I brought my ex to climax. I loved being on the receiving end of the oral sex part of it but in all honesty I didn’t always enjoy or climax from intercourse.
3. Why did you decide to go celibate?
In addition to my story above, I noticed that I dated the same kind of guys. It wasn’t just that they were island men, they were also cheaters liars, and narcissistic. I also realize the one common denominator, for all of the relationships, was me. So I have decided to chill, while I figure out why I always picked the same type of guys. I never have been a casual sex kind of girl, so sleeping around for the sake of it just wasn’t going to happen.
4. What has celibacy been like? What benefits have you experienced? What are the drawbacks?
Sex with myself has always been great so that has been the biggest advantage. The drawback is that it is sex with myself.
5. What if any are the major challenges in dating as celibate person?
I am not dating! I am so disgusted by men at this point that I cannot even take their loaded compliments.
6. What will make you break your commitment to celibacy?
If I find a guy, who is respectful, loves me and that I also love. I am beginning to feel like it will never happen. So I guess I will be buying some more toys online and having more sex with myself.
7. What advice do you give to other women who are debating on being celibate?
I think there is so much pressure on women, especially those of us of a certain age to be coupled up. I get pressured every time I attend family events. However it is better to be single and celibate than staying in a drama filled situation that could endanger you and/or your health.
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