Discovering Your Spouse’s Love Language

Imagine you are cooking, cleaning and running errands for your husband daily.  Now, imagine, your husband telling you that he does not feel loved by you.  This may make you angry; however, I want to caution you and ask you do you know your husband’s love language.  Do you know what makes your husband feel loved?  He may receive love differently than you.

Discovering your husband’s love language can be life changing, because if your husband is not feeling loved they are likely not happy, which could lead to turmoil or even divorce.  According to Gary Chapman (The Five Love Languages, 2010), there are 5 love languages:

1.     Words of affirmation, which are verbal compliments and words of appreciation.

2.     Quality time, which is giving someone your undivided attention.

3.     Receiving gifts, which is giving someone a symbol that you were thinking of them.  It does not have to cost money.

4.     Acts of service, which is doing things for your partner.

5.     Physical touch, which includes holding hands, hugging, kissing or sex.

Everybody has his or her own love language.  Discovering your husband’s love language can be a bit tricky because how you receive love can be different than your husband.  In fact, the way you receive love may not resonate with your husband at all.  So here are three tips for discovering your love language.  It is essential that you and your husband discover your own love language because assumptions can easily confuse the process.

The first tip for discovering your love language is thinking about the times when your husband made you feel most loved.  What did he do?  What was he doing when you first fell in love with him?  For example, when you first met your husband, did you go out on dates frequently and did he give you his undivided attention?  If this is the case, then quality time could be the way you feel most loved.

The second tip is asking yourself, what is it that you desire from your husband the most? What is it that you ask of him the most?  If you ask him to give you a massage after a hard day at work or if you just long for a warm hug after a hard day at work, then physical touch could be your love language.

Thirdly ask yourself, how do you show your husband that you love him.  Using the example above, the women did things for her husband indicating that she shows her love by acts of service.  It is possible that the way you show love is also the same way you receive love. Lastly, if you still can’t figure out your love language, you can take the test for free by simply Googling the love language test.  It will show you what is your preferred love language.

It is important to remember that you can have more than one love language.  You can like to spend quality time with your husband but you can also like to receive gifts.  With this in mind, it is vital that you share these results with your husband.  Especially, if you are having conflict or feeling unloved in your relationship.  There is no point to taking the test and discovering your love language and then not tell the person you want to feel love from.  Your husband can only love you the way you need if you tell him.  He is not a mind reader and NO it is not obvious.

While discovering your husband’s and your love language is an excellent first step, it is not the final step.  Now that you have this new information, it is critical to act on it.  Do not continue to show your husband love by doing acts of service for him when he wants to hear words of affirmation.  That will not fill up his love tank.  Instead, tell him when he looks good or when he does a good job.  Expect your love life to change when you start to love and receive the love you desire.


Love Languanges


 *This article and pictures are from the book The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Last (2010) by Gary Chapman.


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